“My old boss shot himself today.” (I understand more why Albert  Camus started The Stranger with “My mother died today.”)

There is a level of hurt that will lead one to dismantle their entire life. I have not gotten to that point but I am sure that it is very real-I have been to that depth of depression. This type of pain will make you take your own life if you are not careful. It is a soul destroyer that is venomous to your perspective of life. It is a mental pain that is very real to that of physical torture.

I think about Jesus on the cross  as he wrestled with his humanity and divinity asking, “Why has thought forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) I can understand to some degree the mental torture that must have engulf his humanity. To have such a grand connection with the Father severed in order to bring forth redemption to man was beyond epic. Ironically, most folks struggling through these economic hardship times would comparatively equate themselves to Christ-in some regard. They have given all they know to navigate through life only to find themselves on their own personal cross of struggle. They feel as if God has forsaken them and left them on the island to die.

What do you do when you feel God has turned his back on you?

I am not sure the answer is as cut and dry as most would assume. Yes, you should continue to pray and move forward but how does that relieve the mental torture and depression.  It is hard for some to comprehend the pain of depression and thus they minimize it as a person that is weak. What would drive a strong person to commit suicide?

I would be lying if I was to tell you that I find it easy to always deal with what is happening in my life. Many nights, I sit in front of this very computer wrestling with God’s divinity and my humanity. Asking why have you forsaken me Lord. Why must I go through a year of unemployment or under-employment? Dealing with the everyday uncertainties  as many of my brothers and sisters move to great adventures. I wrestle with depression and the unforeseen future being bleak.

But, I manage to see it through the night.

I admit it is through the grace of God that I have been able to maintain. It has been the grace extended to me by a loving wife that has kept me feeling like a man. It has been parents, sister and family that have encouraged and offered help when they can. It has been friends who have reached out when my pride has refused to ask.

All of the degrees on the wall have become futile. Prayer has become a place of peace and life has been ushered into the comfort of God sovereignty. Dependence and the shattering of pride appears to be the  topic of the day concerning me in the Heavens. I see now more than ever that I need help from others.

As my good brother Pastor Rashad Grove says, ” A self made man is bad architecture.” I am being rebuilt….